In my previous blog, I mentioned that, if you are able to distinguish between Physical Death and Spiritual Death, you are most of the way home to a message that a child can comprehend. Physical Death is fact: there are no mysteries and we understand it. You should experience little difficulty in explaining the concept of "THE BODY STOPS WORKING." Spiritual Death is an entirely different story.
Spiritual Death has no simple road map to navigate. Your definition of what you believe happens when someone dies is your individual belief - no one else’s. So, ask yourself: “What do you believe?” and you will have your answer to the mystery of spiritual death. This is your explanation and no can claim you are either right or wrong: it is simply your belief.
As I have been telling kids for 30+ years, I have been involved in thousands of funerals and no one has ever called, written, faxed, texted or twittered back to me exactly what lies ahead when our time on earth comes to an end. So, just how do you explain spiritual death? Although your own approach likely will be necessary for a complete explanation, here is mine.
If I see Steve and Nancy at a restaurant and I know them, I can approach them, say hello and ask how things are going. How am I sure that these two people are Steve and Nancy? How do I know WHO they are? By their appearance!
So, I explain to kids that, when we bury someone, we bury the WHO of the person who has died. When we walk away from the grave, what we take with us is the WHAT of the person that died - what he meant to you as a grandfather; what he meant to your mother as a father; what he meant to your grandmother as a husband. Those are relationships that are exclusive to each person. That relationship was yours and is yours for the rest of your life. When you think of that person for any reason, his spirit is there with you. Death changes a relationship; it doesn't end a relationship.
A very important thing to remember is that you probably have a different view of spiritual death than your spouse and other members of your family. It might be wise to examine those different ideas, so you can present them as your beliefs, your husband's beliefs, your mother's beliefs, etc. Respect each of these beliefs as individual and never as right or wrong.
I very seldom can get out of a room or a class without being asked what I personally believe. So, here is my belief: My wife and I had a daughter who died in January of 1978 at eight months old. I explain that, although I can't necessarily define it, I do believe in something beyond the grave. I can't believe that our only contact with Alicia was her time on earth. I do believe we will be reunited. I can't prove it, but I believe it. I feel the same about my mother and father and other relatives who have gone before me.
This is my belief, I can't prove it and, as I tell the kids, if I'm wrong, I've been wrong before and I'll be wrong again. I just won't be able to tell anyone about it.
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Is my child too young to attend his grandpa’s funeral?
How old is old enough? How young is too young? I am asked these questions constantly by parents trying to determine if their child should attend a funeral.
Although I am aware of a child's age being a factor to take into account, a far more important consideration is the relationship between the child and the deceased. Are there older siblings attending the funeral? The reality is that I have met four year olds with greater maturity than some six year olds. There are six year olds I feel more comfortable having attend the service than some who are eight. This is why I have made it a practice to meet face-to-face with children and explain what happens from the time of death until the time of burial. I will tell them not only what goes on, but also discuss why, often introducing them to a tradition that has been the cornerstone of our faith for generations.
Let me make a very important point. By interacting face-to-face with the children, I may be looking at them, but I'm also talking to the parents. Many times, the parents are hearing about these traditions for the first time, along with their kids. Prior to their visit, parents will express concern about whether their child could possibly deal with the concept of death. My response is, "What is it that you understand about death that your child doesn't?" My job in that meeting is to offer clarity to everyone in that room, regardless of age.
What is it that kids are afraid of? The same thing that adults are afraid of: the unknown. Over the next several blogs, I will discuss Jewish tradition in a way, hopefully, that will make you appreciate the beauty of a tradition we’ve handed down, “L'dor V'dor,” from generation to generation. I will explain the concept of “physical death” and “spiritual death” and how, by separating the two, you will find a compass that can guide you for years to come.
Finally, I will share the gifts I have received from the 30 years and thousands of kids who have continuously challenged me and reinforced the importance of being open and honest, even when our instincts may suggest otherwise. I cannot put into words the feeling I get when mothers or fathers ask me to take their kids on a tour of the chapel and proceed to relate how they remember decades ago when they themselves sat, listened and toured our facility. Their memories are still with them of how they were prepared and encouraged to attend a funeral when, years before, their own parents were not given that opportunity.
Although I am aware of a child's age being a factor to take into account, a far more important consideration is the relationship between the child and the deceased. Are there older siblings attending the funeral? The reality is that I have met four year olds with greater maturity than some six year olds. There are six year olds I feel more comfortable having attend the service than some who are eight. This is why I have made it a practice to meet face-to-face with children and explain what happens from the time of death until the time of burial. I will tell them not only what goes on, but also discuss why, often introducing them to a tradition that has been the cornerstone of our faith for generations.
Let me make a very important point. By interacting face-to-face with the children, I may be looking at them, but I'm also talking to the parents. Many times, the parents are hearing about these traditions for the first time, along with their kids. Prior to their visit, parents will express concern about whether their child could possibly deal with the concept of death. My response is, "What is it that you understand about death that your child doesn't?" My job in that meeting is to offer clarity to everyone in that room, regardless of age.
What is it that kids are afraid of? The same thing that adults are afraid of: the unknown. Over the next several blogs, I will discuss Jewish tradition in a way, hopefully, that will make you appreciate the beauty of a tradition we’ve handed down, “L'dor V'dor,” from generation to generation. I will explain the concept of “physical death” and “spiritual death” and how, by separating the two, you will find a compass that can guide you for years to come.
Finally, I will share the gifts I have received from the 30 years and thousands of kids who have continuously challenged me and reinforced the importance of being open and honest, even when our instincts may suggest otherwise. I cannot put into words the feeling I get when mothers or fathers ask me to take their kids on a tour of the chapel and proceed to relate how they remember decades ago when they themselves sat, listened and toured our facility. Their memories are still with them of how they were prepared and encouraged to attend a funeral when, years before, their own parents were not given that opportunity.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Smoking Regulations at Home and Abroad
When I asked my son Ari what he wanted for his 30th birthday, he replied, “A golf trip to Scotland with my father.” Great strategy for, if he had said a golf trip to Scotland with a friend, what would have been my response? This seemed rather doable.
As I contemplated previous trips to Europe, I recalled the difficulty of visiting places in countries with no restrictions on smoking where seemingly everyone smoked. I have been a non-smoker my entire life and am quite uncomfortable when someone lights up within smelling distance of where I am sitting.
To my absolute delight upon arrival, I learned that Scotland had now become a non-smoking country, as least for public buildings, restaurants, hotels and other public venues. I can report a fabulous trip with incredible golf, great memories and only one offense with the whole smoking issue. That was my caddie at St. Andrews Links, as he sauntered the course rolling his smokes with a parade of jokes that made him a walking comedian.
I left asking myself why Michigan is unable to enact laws with the same restrictions? I wonder why non-smokers must be subjected to second-hand smoke, when it is hard to refute the argument that it is dangerous to those exposed to someone's burning cigarette or cigar? I pray on behalf of my children and grandchildren that the legislators of Michigan find a way to join the many states and nations that believe their citizens are entitled to clean air in public places.
David Techner, Funeral Director
As I contemplated previous trips to Europe, I recalled the difficulty of visiting places in countries with no restrictions on smoking where seemingly everyone smoked. I have been a non-smoker my entire life and am quite uncomfortable when someone lights up within smelling distance of where I am sitting.
To my absolute delight upon arrival, I learned that Scotland had now become a non-smoking country, as least for public buildings, restaurants, hotels and other public venues. I can report a fabulous trip with incredible golf, great memories and only one offense with the whole smoking issue. That was my caddie at St. Andrews Links, as he sauntered the course rolling his smokes with a parade of jokes that made him a walking comedian.
I left asking myself why Michigan is unable to enact laws with the same restrictions? I wonder why non-smokers must be subjected to second-hand smoke, when it is hard to refute the argument that it is dangerous to those exposed to someone's burning cigarette or cigar? I pray on behalf of my children and grandchildren that the legislators of Michigan find a way to join the many states and nations that believe their citizens are entitled to clean air in public places.
David Techner, Funeral Director
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Marable’s Legacy
The funeral announcement started off simply: “Marabel Chanin, 88, of Detroit, died on 26 December 2008.” It then went on to say, “The funeral was held at Graveside on Thursday, 21 May 2009 at 2:00 PM. Rabbi Harold Loss and Cantorial Soloist Neil Michaels officiated.” Why, you might ask, was the funeral date almost five months later? After all, aren’t most Jews buried within a few days of death?
Marable was one of those people who fall through the cracks. Somehow it happens, a sad reminder of today’s busy, less personal world. She lived alone in Detroit and died alone of natural causes, the only person on her street, away from family and friends – so much so, that her body lay unclaimed in the Wayne County Morgue for months. It wasn’t until a distant relative saw a story about her on Fox 2 and put two and two together, that her passing could be properly celebrated.
And what a moving ceremony it was! Somewhat strange, but very moving. Not one person who attended actually knew Marable and most weren’t Jewish. They came out of respect for her, because they didn’t want her to be buried unheralded, without anyone caring.
Something needs to be done for all the Marabels out there, Jews and non-Jews alike. Brad Edwards from Fox 2, Phil Douma who is the executive director at the Michigan Funeral Directors Association (MFDA), and I are currently working with MFDA on an initiative to get all unclaimed bodies identified and buried. We are hoping to have funeral directors donate their time and a basic casket. Maybe that will be Marable’s legacy – to help set in motion a community effort where nobody dies alone or is buried alone. In fact, the first step is underway: a fund is being set up with donations that were given in Marabel’s honor to be used to help other individuals like her.
David Techner, Funeral Director
Monday, May 18, 2009
Out of Town Arrangements
A husband and wife walked in to The Ira Kaufman Chapel the other day to pre-arrange their funerals. They are in perfect health and have been spending winters in Florida for a little more than a decade. This winter two of their inner circle of friends in Florida died unexpectedly. It left them uneasy and feeling very unprepared about what to do if they were suddenly in the same position.
Their two children live out of town and they had not selected cemetery space. Their biggest question was, if death occurs in Florida, whom do they call first - the Florida funeral home or The Ira Kaufman Chapel?
My answer to them was to contact us. We would call our colleagues in Florida with whom we work regularly. I took statistical information required for a death certificate as well as what is required these days for newspaper notices. They had no interest in selecting or paying for their funeral ahead of time, but left assured that, if something were to happen, they were armed with the knowledge and confidence to navigate through the experience. I am certain they will also encourage some of their other friends to prepare themselves for a contingency like this.
David M. Techner
Funeral Director
Their two children live out of town and they had not selected cemetery space. Their biggest question was, if death occurs in Florida, whom do they call first - the Florida funeral home or The Ira Kaufman Chapel?
My answer to them was to contact us. We would call our colleagues in Florida with whom we work regularly. I took statistical information required for a death certificate as well as what is required these days for newspaper notices. They had no interest in selecting or paying for their funeral ahead of time, but left assured that, if something were to happen, they were armed with the knowledge and confidence to navigate through the experience. I am certain they will also encourage some of their other friends to prepare themselves for a contingency like this.
David M. Techner
Funeral Director
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Is the Funeral Industry Recession-Proof?
It seems appropriate that one of my earliest blogs should be about the economy, since that seems to be first and foremost on everyone's mind these days. We are facing an unemployment rate approaching the highest it has been in my lifetime, the Dow reduced to half its worth in a very short period and real estate numbers a fraction of what they were just a few years ago. Confidence in the future is at an all time low.
In discussing a recession versus a depression, an MSNBC host was asked to explain the difference. "When your neighbor loses his job, it's a recession. When YOU lose your job, it's a depression. Whatever your definition, the one certainty is that our community is experiencing great pain.”
Almost daily someone will tell me, either when I am out in the community somewhere or at the Chapel, that the funeral business is one not affected by the economy - a recession proof business. Think about this for a moment. We meet and interact with families experiencing pain. Never has there been a time when people have come to us hurting so deeply in addition to the grief they are experiencing over the loss of their beloved family member. As in every business, we face challenges in continuing to offer services that have meaning while being sensitive to economic hardships facing our entire community.
David Techner, Funeral Director
In discussing a recession versus a depression, an MSNBC host was asked to explain the difference. "When your neighbor loses his job, it's a recession. When YOU lose your job, it's a depression. Whatever your definition, the one certainty is that our community is experiencing great pain.”
Almost daily someone will tell me, either when I am out in the community somewhere or at the Chapel, that the funeral business is one not affected by the economy - a recession proof business. Think about this for a moment. We meet and interact with families experiencing pain. Never has there been a time when people have come to us hurting so deeply in addition to the grief they are experiencing over the loss of their beloved family member. As in every business, we face challenges in continuing to offer services that have meaning while being sensitive to economic hardships facing our entire community.
David Techner, Funeral Director
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
A Funeral Director On Blogging
A funeral director blogging on his funeral home’s Web site. This is nothing I could have ever imagined when I graduated from Mortuary School 35 years ago. Yet, what a wonderful opportunity to inform, to educate and to share ideas, while the community is navigating The Ira Kaufman Chapel Web site seeking the time of a funeral, shiva information or where a family wishes contributions be directed in memory of their loved one.
As I begin my journey in the blogosphere, I ask for your input. If you would like me to blog about any particular topic, let me know. My greatest fear is that I will run out of things to write about. My wife and children assure me there is no danger of this happening. Just in case they happen to be wrong, feel free to email me with your thoughts, dmtec51@msn.com
David Techner, Funeral Director
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
