Is my child too young to attend his grandpa’s funeral?

How old is old enough? How young is too young? I am asked these questions constantly by parents trying to determine if their child should attend a funeral.

Although I am aware of a child's age being a factor to take into account, a far more important consideration is the relationship between the child and the deceased. Are there older siblings attending the funeral? The reality is that I have met four year olds with greater maturity than some six year olds. There are six year olds I feel more comfortable having attend the service than some who are eight. This is why I have made it a practice to meet face-to-face with children and explain what happens from the time of death until the time of burial. I will tell them not only what goes on, but also discuss why, often introducing them to a tradition that has been the cornerstone of our faith for generations.

Let me make a very important point. By interacting face-to-face with the children, I may be looking at them, but I'm also talking to the parents. Many times, the parents are hearing about these traditions for the first time, along with their kids. Prior to their visit, parents will express concern about whether their child could possibly deal with the concept of death. My response is, "What is it that you understand about death that your child doesn't?" My job in that meeting is to offer clarity to everyone in that room, regardless of age.

What is it that kids are afraid of? The same thing that adults are afraid of: the unknown. Over the next several blogs, I will discuss Jewish tradition in a way, hopefully, that will make you appreciate the beauty of a tradition we’ve handed down, “L'dor V'dor,” from generation to generation. I will explain the concept of “physical death” and “spiritual death” and how, by separating the two, you will find a compass that can guide you for years to come.

Finally, I will share the gifts I have received from the 30 years and thousands of kids who have continuously challenged me and reinforced the importance of being open and honest, even when our instincts may suggest otherwise. I cannot put into words the feeling I get when mothers or fathers ask me to take their kids on a tour of the chapel and proceed to relate how they remember decades ago when they themselves sat, listened and toured our facility. Their memories are still with them of how they were prepared and encouraged to attend a funeral when, years before, their own parents were not given that opportunity.